Been thinking alot since the other day, and that is never good.

I am over my self-loathing for being a slut the other night. When I look back on it, I think I was a little to judgmental of myself to feel so degraded and worthless. I knew what I was doing at the time, I could have stopped any time, and I did it because I wanted to. However, I am still left with the other decision that I feel I must make.

So, I guess that leaves another question: Do I label myself as such? Is it really necessary to make a choice, and then to where that choice on my sleeve? I have spent a lot of time on the internet looking and gay and lesbian blogs, websites, etc. I see a lot of people that let their sexuality define them as a person. You don't see these people as "Jane, journalist, mother of 1, homeowner." They seem to define themselves as "Jane, lesbian, journalist, etc." I guess I just don't get that. I understand how sexuality has a way of shaping a person's character, dress, look, etc, I just don't understand how "sex" can be your most defining trait. I posed a question on a message board 2 nights ago, and I couldn't believe the range of responses I received. I was not asking the question so I could make my own decision, I was merely asking to get a response.

Okay, with all that said, I KNOW I am a lesbian. But I guess what I don't understand, is there like varying degrees of lesbianism? Here is why I ask? My favorite adult movie scene is boy/girl, my next favorite is boy/girl/girl. See where I am going there? I like watching those scenes, but have absolutely no more interest in playing those out myself. So, am I like an "Jr. Lesbian" and as I move through life, do I also move through the ranks of lesbianis? I guess I am just really confused. I totally know what gender I am attracted to, but I can't get the idea through my head of marrying another woman. I can't even really get it through my head to walk down the street, hand in hand, or acting like "other couples" in public. I have done those things, but they were only to get attention from guys . I know these are stupid questions that will all be answered in time.

 I did however notice that my mindset has changed a bit since the other day. All of my encounters with woman have really been opportunistic. Or to put it a different way, I haven't really been looking for female companionship, it has just happened. However, I noticed it yesterday, when I started looking at women a different way.............like I always did with guys. She's cute, she has a nice butt, she has beautiful eyes, etc. I still don't have any gaydar, so I am pretty much screwed there, but I think it has opened up a new realm to me.

It was kind of funny this morning...................like I said, I haven't really felt "sexual" in quite a while. I have taken care of business, but it is more out of some sort of "necessity" that comes over me sometimes. That was until this morning. I know I was having sex dreams last night, but I don't really remember any details. But when I woke up this morning, I was FUCKING HORNY! I was already wet, and had that feeling where I can feel the horniness in my toes. I got out of bed , got undressed and was halfway to the shower, when my phone rang. I ended up sitting on the phone, buck naked, talking to my boss for over an hour. (He knows what time I wake up in the morning, and has no problem calling any time after that. LOL). By the time I got in the shower, I was running late, and in full work mode. No time to do anything fun. I have been giddy all day, in a better mood and eager to get back to my room for some "me" time. It will be every bit of 10 before I get back though, I have a full night ahead of me.