More with Amy; decisions and regrets.

I am no longer confused about my relationship with Amy. I think I figured things out last night as I lay next to her, not sleeping.

In case you haven't figured this out about me, I tend to over-think things. To take you through my progression once again it was: Not what I wanted, Maybe this is what I want, I think this is what I want, This is what I want, Am I sure this is what I want, I am sure this is what I want, This is not what I want. The last part of this came to me when I was in bed last night.

The sex with Amy is absolutely amazing, and she is an amazing person. I have never felt so completely fulfilled sexually as I have with Amy these last couple of days. Just being close to her makes me want to be with her, and I have never felt that way before. But, I am not in love with her. Okay, you don't have to be in love with a person to be in a relationship, I totally get that. But you do have to want to be in a relationship with someone.

The jobs that I have had, regardless of pay or grade, have always been my priority. I have never had anything else in my life that I could call my own, other than my job. I know it's a crutch, but it's what I know, and it's what I do. I am not willing to change for a relationship. Amy said she didn't want me to change, but I don't believe her. It makes no difference.

So, because I am gone ALL the time, do I lead her on? Do I feign a relationship to see if it blossoms in to something more? I am still overthinking it, but I don't like confrontation and I don't like hurt feelings.

So, I am going to fake it. And if I fail at faking it, I am okay with that.

However, I had an odd dream last night. Based on the content of the dream, I should've woken up from that dream all shaken up. But I really wasn't, and I find that odd. I don't remember a whole lot of it, but I do know that Amy and I were at a lake somewhere.............don't know what we were doing there. We were in a giant cabin that served as a lodge for lots of people to gather. Anyhow, a guy comes in with a shotgun and shoots Amy in the stomach with a deer slug. (I know it was because I watched MythBusters last night). She wasn't upset about getting shot, I wasn't upset about her getting shot, the people around us didn't seem to care, and we just sat there on the couch watching blood gush from her belly while we waited for a doctor to show up. When he showed up, he grabbed a pair of pliers, pulled out the bullet, looked inside the wound with a flashlight, then stuffed gauze in to her. When he was done, he got up, took off his hat (that he wasn't wearing before), took a bow and waited for the applause. I left Amy on the couch because I had to find a restroom to pee. I wandered around the lodge for a long time looking for a bathroom until I woke up with the need to pee.

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I wrote everything above that there line at 4-ish this morning. Amy is now gone, she works tonight and then through the weekend. I am SO FUCKING CONFLICTED right now. I am sitting here in my empty apartment, alone, and still thinking of Amy. I can still smell her perfume on my throw pillow from the night she got here. I am seriously sad she is gone, and I told myself that I wouldn't be. I keep trying to convince myself that I don't need her in my life. I am going to the tanning salon, and then to gym. Things always feel different to me when I do that. I haven't had a good workout since Monday, so I am going to go beat myself up for a while.

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I just got home, and am feeling a lot better. However, me missing Amy hasn't changed, I am now just happier with how things are looking. Amy called me just as I was getting out of the shower at the gym, and when I called her back, she was just going through Ogden.

I am going to wander in to a different topic now, but only for a second. Poll question: Am I the only one who gets uber-horny at the gym? For me, it's the whole experience..........from getting sweaty and working hard, to the shower afterwards. I always leave the gym like that, with certain exceptions. When I got home, I took care of business the old fashioned way, and 3 minutes later, felt better. LOL.

Back to Amy..........................I think I am going to think this thru for a while. My next time that I have off is April 26th, and it is only for 4 days. And in that time I am going to get Lasik surgery, have my yearly done (Oh joy!) and chill. So she knows I cannot make it down there during that time. I have a couple of days here and there between events, but I am not flying home for those.The next long period that I have off is a week at the end of May. So I have a lot of time to think about what I am going to do. See if the feelings grow, or dwindle. I will still keep in contact with her, but I am going to keep things as simple as possible for a while.

I know you have waiting for me to continue my story about Amy, and the next time I log on (after my nap, LOL, I will put it all down here.

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I couldn't take a nap, so here goes:

After Amy was done with the feather, she got off the bed and left the room. When she came back in, she had a warm washcloth and started cleaning me from head to toe. It was such a nice "gesture" for lack of a better word. It felt comforting, but at the same time, it was really erotic. When she was done, she set the washcloth to the side, and although I could tell she was moving around, I couldn't tell what was going on. That was until I felt her on either side of my head. I thought maybe she was leaning down to kiss me, but instead slowly lowered her pussy on to my mouth. The only control I had left was my mouth, and although I kept reaching for her with my tongue, she would only let me have it for so long. This only went on for a couple of minutes before she did kiss me, licking her own juices off of my mouth. She rolled me on to my stomach and then set a rolled up blanket under my stomach, propping my ass in the air.

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It is now Friday morning. I got a call yesterday afternoon from an old friend of mine. I have known James since I was 16, and we was always the "older guy" at the party. My friends and I knew back then that James was gay, but he did a great job of hiding it. He always had girlfriends, but sometimes you could just tell. 2 years ago, I got a call from him inviting me to a gathering of friends. It was at that gathering that he came out.

I have chatted with him back and forth on Facebook, exchanged a few texts wtih him, but barely keeping in touch with him. So when I got his call, I was surprised. He asked if I was home, wanted something to do, and wanted to come over. When I answered the door, it was not the James that I knew. James has always been on the heavy-side, had shoulder-length Jesus-hair (everything one length) and bright blue eyes. This James was skinny and gaunt, and unless all his beautiful hair was tucked underneath his stocking cap, he had cut it. I new something was wrong.

The next 10 minutes was really, really hard for me. James had been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer 4 months ago. The tumor had already spread, so it couldn't be removed, and although he had been going through Chemo, the outlook was not good. He was in almost constant pain, and was on some serious doses of pain meds. His doctor was only giving him 6 months to a year to live, and now James was living life to the fullest.

When he showed me his "bucket list", it really hit home for me. About half the list was crossed off, and the next thing on his list was to "Say goodbye to all my friends". I tried to be strong, but I lost it. He explained that once he said goodbye to them, it was goodbye forever. Once he said goodbye, the next time he wanted to see them was at his funeral. It was very hard for me. We sat there talking for the next couple of hours, and I found myself stalling to keep him from leaving. Have you ever sat next to someone on a couch and KNOWN without a shadow of a doubt that you would NEVER EVER see them again?

It was so hard to say goodbye, but before he left, he reached in to his pocket and pulled out his IPOD touch. He told me that he wanted me to have it, enjoy it and think of him every time I used it. I just stood there, staring it, not knowing what to say. He gave me a final hug, told me that he loved me, and said he would watch out for me on the other side. I watched him drive away with tears flowing down my face and for some reason, it felt right to wave as he drove away.