I am in charge of my own happiness

Things have been pretty gray for me since just before Christmas. I find myself doing these destructive things because I am depressed and sad and just generally unhappy. Not to say that I am stuck in depression, or unhappy all the time, it's just the holidays that do it for me. I spent most of my youth in foster homes. My dad left when I was 3 to go do whatever the fuck he did until he went to prison, and my mom was a strung out meth addicted whore who fucked her way to her next score. She got arrested when I was 8 for drugs, I got put in foster homes, and I never saw her again until she was in a drug induced coma 2 days before I turned 16. My mom died on Christmas Eve that same year. My dad (if you can call him that) is still rotting in prison in Texas for a crime that I couldn't give two shits about. So anyways, Christmas is depressing to me because of my mom, and it pisses me off that she still fucks with my life even as worm food.

My foster mom, who is an absolute Saint, invited me over for Christmas dinner. I didn't go. She invites a lot of people over, and I didn't want to deal with that. I really felt like shit for not going, and called her to say so. She understands me way more than I understand myself, and was totally fine with it.