I am really stupid

After I was offered money for sex, I guess I was just really flattered. Wow, I am one hot bitch.........they want to give me $5000 to fuck me. But as the day went on yesterday, I felt more and more cheap. By 7:00 I was so pissed that they even thought of me in that way that I about ready to have a complete come-apart. I sent "her" a text message on my phone and more or less said thanks for but no thanks. I tried to leave it at that, but she had to text back asking why. So, using the best words that I could muster I said that I don't need the money, and I am not a prostitute. She texted back saying that they weren't treating me like a prostitute, blah blah blah.....I didn't even bother to answer. So, this morning at work, guess who should come in. I get this super dirty look from him, and he says something "smarmy" to me (Not a word, who cares) so I stand up, and follow him out. I got right in his face (He is over 6 foot) and in not so many words, tell him "Motherfucker, you ever, and I mean ever, make another smart ass fucking comment about me saying no to being your fucking whore, I will take my cell phone over to the nearest cop and file charges against you. DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME! He got all apologetic with me, and said it wasn't aimed at me..............WHATEVER! It makes no difference. I may treat myself like a piece of garbage who loves sex and will do whatever I want when it comes to sex, but no motherfucker is going to treat me like a prostitute whore piece of trash.

So, anyways, I got home early last night, fucked around on facebook for a while, answered some emails, lit like 50 candles in my bathroom, and climbed in to a way-too-hot bath at about 8. I found a radio station playing Christmas music and before I even knew what was going on, I was crying. Yeah, sobbing like a little bitch, and it wouldn't stop. But the more I cried, the more I realized that I just............needed to cry. I don't really know why. Well, I do know why, but I am not that chick that does that shit. I don't cry at movies, I don't watch Lifetime, have never watched a soap opera, and I don't need a fucking man in my life to feel fullfilled. But, there I was crying. After a few minutes, I stopped and just sat there in my water, listening to my Christmas music. And then, all at once, I seriously felt happy.

I can't really explain it, but it was almost like I woke up. I was no longer tired, no longer in the mood to sulk in a candlelit bathtub, and I actually felt a smile creep across my face. The little smile turned in to a big smile and I seriously felt happy. Still naked, and dripping water, I walked in my living room, sat down at my laptop and pulled up my bank account. I had more money in my checking account than a person should have, and I had a BIG chunk of money in my savings account. I just sat there and stared at it. It's not like I forgot it was there, but I forgot it was there. I mean, I forgot to remember that it was in there. I looked back at my checking account, and the page was filled with direct deposits from my jobs, and almost no withdrawls for anything. I hardly ever use my debit card. One of my checks I actually get "a check". Those are the checks that I cash to have cash. When I need something, I generally use cash except when I buy gas. I felt like I was had been living my life from the outside, and I finally had control over my life.........it was just a feeling I had. I grabbed my blackberry and started scrolling through my different shifts. I was scheduled to work 84 hours next week, and I was scheduled to work Christmas Eve, and the evening of Christmas Day.

WHAT IN THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I got dressed, put on makeup, did my hair, and took off out the door without even knowing where I was going to go. Well, I wish I could say that I had some great adventure, but I ended up over at a friends apartment smoking pot and watching Christmas cartoons most of the night. But I was happy doing it.

I got home just a little after midnight, and crashed in the clothes I had on. I was dog tired. When my alarm went off at 5, I turned it off and went back to sleep. I woke up to my phone ringing at 8:30 to the sound of my boss Joyce asking me "If I was planning on coming to work today". I didn't hate that job, but I was just the low bitch on the totem pole, and everyone treated me that way. So, I say to her "Have I ever, and I mean ever called in sick in the 2 years I have worked there?" She had to think of that answer, so I told her "No, I have never called in sick. Have I ever gotten a raise working there? No, I haven't. Did I get a Christmas bonus this year when everyone else did? No. Tell you what Joyce, to answer YOUR questions, NO, I am not planning on coming in to work today, and I am not planning on coming in to work tomorrow, or the day after that. I quit. I will be in later to collect the stuff from my desk. Good bye Joyce." When I hung up, I just bust out laughing. I wasn't planning on doing that,and it felt so good to do it. Joyce called me right back, but I let the voice mail get it. Her message said something like "We need to talk about this before you quit, and if I could call her back, she would like to meet me for lunch." I waited 20 minutes or so, and called her back. She apologized, and really starting buttering me up. I make an appointment to meet her for lunch at 12:30.

All morning, I really contemplated not going. I went to the gym in the morning for the first time in a few weeks, and it was really nice to work out without a ton of people there. I was still really happy. I showered at the gym, and went back home to change my clothes. I got in to some super nice (job interview style) clothes, and went to meet her for lunch. It was during this lunch that she offered me a new job, full time with benefits, a healthy raise, paid training, paid holidays and 2 weeks vacation. Along with that, she also gave me a bonus that totally blew me away when I opened it. I accepted the job, but told her that I needed a week off to give notice to my other jobs, and to take a few days for myself. That's when she asked "So, you have another job?" I told her about the 4 other jobs that I have and she started crying.

I left lunch feeling really good about myself, and planned on going around to my other jobs to give them a weeks notice, but as I started to drive over to one of them, I said fuck it. I pulled my car in the a lot, saw a coffee hut, ordered a mocha, and pulled in to a vacant spot. I then spent the next 15 minutes quitting every one of my other jobs (except for 1, because I really like it, and it's fun). But I did call that place and tell them that I need a week off of personal time, but would be back to work before Christmas. He asked if there was anything that he could help me with, I told him no, and said I would see him in a week. I sat there, drinking my mocha and just smiled.

I spent the rest of the day calling and visiting friends, and just generally having a really good time. I got home at 5:30, got in to my pajamas and started to relax. I haven't been this relaxed in a really long time, and when I sat on my couch in front of my laptop, I let out a big breath, like a sigh of relief. I don't know what clicked in me last night in the bathtub, but I am glad it did.